Official OHHS Alumni

so this is it. the end of my days in high school.
no more hallways. teachers. school max. uniforms.
it's all over.
this year was NOWHERE near what i wanted it to be.
constant drama and heartbreak lead to so many tears.

in three months.
ill be on my own.
in college. completely independent.
and somehow im starting to wonder.
am i really ready. can i handle everything on my own.

the whole fact of graduation has yet to hit me.
i kno what's to come. but idk.
the thoughts are not affecting me as of yet.
i havent realized how much im gonna miss my classmates.
or high school.
not even the enormity of the fact that im gonna be on my own.
in college. fairly soon. it just all seems like a blur.

but as they say.
if it aint broke. dont fix it.
so imma just cruise this out.
and hope for the best!

Thinking Of You.

Sooo. Things have been going pretty good.
Me && old dude are pretty much workin out our problems and moving forward with our relationship. We're still in this dumb pointless "chillin" stage.
but it's like whateva. cause in the end. im still widd him.

Regardless of all that. I still like my prom date.
lately we've been seeing more of each other. and i like spending time with him.
but old dude is always in the back of my mind. no matter what.

and now i feel as if i dont kno where i wanna be.
cause with old dude. i love him. SO MUCH. we're moving past what's happened before.
plus he's been talkin bout the future. but right now he dont want commitment.
and being as me && prom date are growing closer. and actually TALKING.
commitment is something that I can see happening with us.

and even tho i would love to be stamped.
i dont kno if giving up old dude is something i can do. or want to do.

even tho my besties not on his side.
i kno he has those close to him not on my side either.
cause we both have our share of dirt and wrongdoings.
i still love my besties to death. cause i kno they jus want what's best for me.
and dont wanna see me hurt again.

but im watchin out for myself.
cause he really makes me happy.

Better That We Break

Sooooo. My Love Life. Sucks. Major. Posterior.

Number One: Dream Guy
There's This Guy. && I Love Him. SOOOO Much. Im finally admitting that to myself. But he doesnt realize the extent that I actually care about him. We're in this random stage. Where he says. We Jus "Chillin" Which is nothin but friends with benefits sorta. We jus acknowledge the fact that we have feelings for each other. But as far as he is concerned. there is NO type of slight commitment. We can have our sides. And it's whatever. But i think he was jus okay with this. Because for a time. I didnt have any. But it's a BRAND NEW day. Im gettin my game back. But this still isnt gonna make me completely happy. I wanna let it go. But I kno im not gonna be able to handle just being friends. He got me wide open and dont even realize it. He claims he cares. But I dont think he does as much as I do.

Number Two: Side Guy
We were jus fuck buddies. I kno it sounds wrong. But that's all it was supposed to be. nothing more. But dummy me. has caught feelings. =\
now im stuck. cause i told him. but i think he kinda brushed it off. and turned it into a kinda joke. but im so serious. and i dont wanna be like LOOK FOOL. at the same time. i have stopped fckn him. cause i thought me nd number one was gon be on sum serious shidd. but dats dead. but in that time. I have realized dat i do actually like him. and this is more than a physical thing for me now. and i cant continue anymore. soooooooooo. im so stuck with that.

Number Three: Distant Guy
this guy. i like SOOOOOOSOSOSOSOSOSO much. but i NEVER see him. like. last time i say him. was may. and we wanna be together. But that factor can be very taxing on a relationship. I really wuldnt mind bein stamped by shawty tho. he jus makes me smile. every time we talk. when his name comes across my phone. cant help but get excited. he's like my other half. but somehow i feel. as we're never gonna come together.

sooo.
that's three guys i like.
and im not gonna get.
which leaves me stuck. lonely. && pitiful.

all i have is my music to keep me comfy.
always got the besties too.
but sumtimes. they can hurt more than help.

I Should Have A Show On The N.

I really believe I should. Because the most random moments happen to me.
And their always so overly dramatized. That the shuld be televised.
heyyy. that rhymed! but anyway.
my yesterday morning.
WAS CRAZY!

so im gettin a ride. from my pumpkin. =]
and my dad pulls up. scratch that. SWERVS up. in the middle of the street.
jumps out the car lookin extra crazy. and jus starts yellin.
he looks at me nd goes. what are you doing.
i reply. what does it look like. im goin to school.
then he proceeds. to open my pumpkins car door. and ask 97 questions.
he ends that convo by threatening him. and telling him to never pick me up again.
slams the door. walks off. and tells me to get into his truck.

so im jus shocked nd like wtf. cuz i cant believe this is actually happening.
i get in the car. and get THE SPEECH OF LIFE!
he's all. what's gonna happen if you get hurt. and BLAH BLAH BLAH.
i was sooooooo effin blownnn.

then. i get to first period. LATE.
we hafta go to the cafeteria to present our projects.
and this guy i used to talk to. who got mad at me. cuz i caught him in sum lies.
picks that morning. of all mornings. to decided he wants to pick with me!
so he pissed me off more. cuz he's acting like he hadnt been ignoring me for the past two weeks.

to top it off.
i didnt even get to cheer at our last game of the season.
which makes me sooo sad. cuz im gonna miss the squad. well. some of the squad.
& all the fun we had. I LOVE YOU GUYSSSSSS =]

soooo yeahh.
then. i jus had the shitties saturday.
did absolutely nothing. but clean. and text. =\
my pumpkin keeps goin m.i.a every couple of hours.
so. im givin up on him for the night.

hoping for a better sunday.
really wanna go to church.
seeing as i havent been in like 2 months.

i have yet to find a prom dress. or a date for that matter.
so maybe. i jus wont go. that's a thought.
orrr i juss need to hop on that.
and find both.
=\

Life As I Know It

Soooooo. The past 3-4 months. My life. has been on a roller coaster. The one guy that I can say I truly love. jus been takin me thru. We been havin our ups nd downs. And we always end up choosing other people over each other. But in the end. We both always come back. Lately. he's been doing most of the leaving and the last time. it hurt me so bad. like. I hit ROCK BOTTOM. and I told myself I was neva gon let anotha guy have a hold on me like dat. And me nd him would never have that same relationship again. But against my rant, when he broke up widd his girl. and I instantly realized how much I missed him. Then he says he feels the same. All those words went out the window. And I took him back. Idk why. But everytime it happens. I jus hope it'll be different. nd I guess that's why I keep goin back. even tho we're not official or anything. im jus happy dat im back nd his life. nd I kno nobody else has him.

am I so wrong for that?